Building Relationships With Difficult People

There’s no doubt that at some time or other in your relationship-building process you will have to deal with some difficult people.

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was from a highly successful financial director. I asked him if there was one particular thing to which he attributed his success. He said he had developed the combined skills of an acrobat, a diplomat and a doormat. The key to the issue, he thought, was knowing in which order and in what proportion these skills should be used!

Assertiveness

If you find it difficult working with high maintenance people or downright bullies, perhaps you should review your assertiveness techniques.

The key to being assertive is that, in any difficult situation, you leave that situation feeling okay about yourself and the other person involved. The aim is for a win-win outcome in terms of mutual respect and self-respect. Also there will be an absence of anxiety afterwards. You won’t have feelings of guilt, embarrassment or frustration.

The difference between being aggressive, passive and assertive is clarified this way:

• An aggressive response is a put down. It is a personal attack, tinged with sarcasm and arrogance.

 

• A passive response is your choice not to say or do anything confrontational, but it can leave you feeling frustrated afterwards.

 

• An assertive response is a reasonable objection which is delivered in a polite and positive manner.

 

How do you normally respond to difficult situations? If you are going to get the most out of your personal contacts you will need to be able to think on your feet. If you find yourself in a tricky situation, an assertive response is one likely to be a win-win. You get nothing out of passive behaviour and you can lose a good deal from behaving aggressively, but what you can gain from being assertive is that you feel good about yourself and the other person. Once you have worked out what the tangible benefits are, it will make you more assertive in future.

What if you told your boss you’ve done your fair share already, having given up your previous weekend? You mention that your family life is suffering as a result and it’s time he asked someone else.

Or you could resign yourself to the fact that working on your son’s birthday is inevitable and go home and explain the situation to your partner and child. Then you will probably spend the whole of the weekend feeling both resentful and guilty.

You could say you have other commitments but suggest coming in early on Monday and offer to stay late a couple of evenings that week if that would help.

Your suggestions are turned down so you plead with them, explaining that the way you work is making life impossible.

You threaten to resign if they won’t compromise.

Or you could ask for a detailed explanation from them as to why they have rejected your proposal. Once you’ve seen this, you could rework your proposal to counter their objections.

You say nothing because you’re worried about causing an argument in front of everyone, but you decide to have a word with her afterwards to set the record straight.

You express disbelief and firmly point out that this was your idea in the first place. You say you resent the fact that she’s been underhand.

Why don’t you say how pleased you are that she’s backing you up? You could then invite her to work with you on the project.

You try to bribe him to fit your work in, but realise that you’ll probably have to do it yourself.

Try pulling rank and say there’s no way this deadline can be missed. He has got to stay late and do the work.

Explain about the urgency, that the work has to be finished today. Offer to negotiate on his behalf about the other work he will have to lay aside to help you.